Baby, Can You Handle This?
by jovaine
Summary: It was true that the Vongola Famiglia could do with some cash after years of repairs, but Tsuna wished that Reborn had chosen another way to get it.


**Title:** Baby, Can You Handle This?

**Rating:** G

**Warnings:** None

**Prompt:** Vongola Family - Reality TV show; "It was true that the Vongola Famiglia could do with some cash after years of repairs, but Tsuna wished that Reborn had chosen another way to get it".

**Word count:** 2577 words

**Summary:** The one where Reborn is very very devious. Tsuna wants to pull out his hair in frustration. And Mukuro reads shoujo manga.

**Disclaimer:** Katekyo Hitman Reborn does not belong to me.

**Author's notes:** Written for the 2011 khrfest round 3 on LJ. This may have gone further into crack territory than I had planned XD

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It was ten in the morning when Reborn finally reached his destination. He had been in Italy for the previous month, torturing... err… retraining his other student, Dino. He smirked slightly as he recalled how much he had enjoyed himself at the Cavallone estate at Dino's expense, interspersed with meeting the Vongola Ninth for tea every day. That was exactly how hitmen should be spending their free time.

"Reborn," Tsuna shouted, standing up and toppling a glass of milk on the table in front of him. The others either waved or ignored the commotion as Tsuna positively squeaked in embarrassment and Gokudera rushed to help him mop up the mess with a bunch of tissues.

Once everything had been cleared up, Reborn duly took a seat on Yamamoto's shoulder and looked at the other occupants of the conference room. He had arranged for all of them to meet up at a five star hotel in Tokyo, and all of them had rushed back to Japan with varying degrees of enthusiasm.

"I have called for this meeting to tell all of you that the finances of the Vongola family are at a rather deplorable state. We are down to our last ten million now. Therefore, you need to look for ways to reverse it," Reborn said, getting straight to the point while giving Tsuna a snide look, which caused the young Vongola boss to turn red.

"Um… Ten million is a very good amount, isn't it?" Tsuna said. After Reborn gave him a dirty look, he continued, "What I mean is, I will assign Gokudera-kun to work on it. I'm sure Dino-san will be willing to help us as well if we ask him.

"Therefore, I've registered you all in a competition," Reborn announced, as if Tsuna had not spoken. He picked up a remote and pointed it at the plasma television in front of the room.

A dark background appeared, together with bright multi colored lights, canned clapping sounds, and what Tsuna assumed was the theme song. The silver cursive words which soon appeared proclaimed the show as "Battle of the Boy Bands".

"Wait a minute; you want us to sing for the money?" Gokudera said. Around him, various expressions of horror and understanding were starting to dawn on his companion's faces.

"This would be interesting," Mukuro drawled, not bothering to hide his laughter.

"You're going to be singing too, idiot," Hibari snarled at him across the table. "And Baby, I have to say that this has to be one of the stupidest ideas you've come up with".

"I... I refuse," Tsuna said, scooting his chair away from the table. "I have... I have... Stage fright! That's right! Stage fright! Anyway, there are definitely better ways to earn money than join a singing competition".

"You are free not to join, of course," Reborn said amiably. "But the only way for that is if you're dead".

"When is the competition?" Ryohei asked.

"Tomorrow night," Reborn smiled. "With a prize money of one million in U.S. dollars, I suggest you all start preparing for it".

Tsuna started banging his head on the table.

.

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.

Tsuna felt like pulling out his hair in frustration. However, he rather liked his hair so he had to settle for squeezing a stress ball as hard as possible and glaring at the occupants in the room. Too bad his glare did not seem to have any effect on them. He had earlier decided that a theme would be the way to go. Unfortunately, everything he had thought of had been promptly shot down by Hibari, Mukuro or Gokudera, and he was quickly losing his mind. Reborn was of no help at all, as he was now sitting off to one side of the room, playing chess against himself and drinking coffee. He had a very good idea why Reborn had signed them up for this. It had to be because he forgot to get him a birthday present last year.

"I give up. Since you've practically disagreed with everything I said, why don't you all give me your suggestions instead?" Tsuna gritted out through clenched teeth.

Hibari merely yawned and glared at him. "This is your job, isn't it, boss? I'm not going to do your work for you. Now think of something good unless you want me to bite you to death".

"I thought sparkling vampires were a good idea," Tsuna pouted.

"Look, Sawada Tsunayoshi, I don't know how many books on vampires you've ever read in your lifetime, but vampires do not sparkle. Don't let that Twilight series delude you. I can't believe you even read it," Kyoya said, this time shifting to lie on the couch (where did that come from?) and closing his eyes. A yellow ball of fluff landed near his dark hair.

"I didn't," Tsuna said, in an attempt to defend his manliness, while Yamamoto laughed and told him it was all right for a guy to be in touch with his feminine side sometimes.

"I liked the animal theme," Lambo announced, nodding. "I could be a cow, and the rest of you can dress up as other farm animals".

"Yeah, and I'm going to be a leopard, the boss is going to be a lion, Mukuro's going to be an owl and Ryohei's going to be a kangaroo. Pfft... Forget it," Gokudera said, flicking ash from his cigarette at Lambo.

"It was only an idea, Stupidera," Lambo growled, brushing ash off his cow print shirt.

"You know, a kangaroo does sound pretty extreme. We could be boxing kangaroos," Ryohei mused.

"No," Gokudera growled. "All right, how bout this. Aliens. Do you remember Shitt P.? Of the Shimon family? That's UMA material right there".

The whole room was quiet at this statement. "I'm not going to wear some stupid green rubber suit," Lambo finally complained.

"Not all aliens are little green men. Didn't you use to wear a stupid yellow cow print suit when you were younger anyway?" Gokudera countered.

"Are you calling me an alien? That was different. It was style. Not that you'd know anything of it," Lambo said, giving Gokudera's clothes a once over while wrinkling his nose in disgust.

"We could ask Bianchi for help," Tsuna said, suddenly remembering Gokudera's sister. "She may have some good ideas about the clothes, at least".

"No," Gokudera stood up so fast it looked like the chair he was sitting on had suddenly grown spikes. "Just, no. No. No".

Tsuna sighed as Gokudera stalked to the window for some fresh air. The last time Tsuna had met Bianchi, she gave him a poisoned cupcake which landed him in the hospital for two days. Gokudera had been pissed but even he couldn't muster up the courage to confront his sister for poisoning his boss.

"Sporting figures? We could dress up as our favorite sporting heroes," Yamamoto suggested.

"I agree with that," Ryohei cheered from the corner where he was shadowboxing. "I could go as Muhammad Ali. Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee; and all that jazz".

"That's just stupid, baseball idiot," Gokudera said, throwing the remote control at Yamamoto, which he promptly caught.

"School uniforms," Hibari muttered, his eyes still closed.

"Shoujo manga," Mukuro said. "You know, larger than life cute boys with all the attributes that girls want. It's not that different from our current persona. We could cosplay as characters from some of the popular series".

"Damn it, Mukuro, you read shoujo manga?" Hibari asked.

"Chrome does," Mukuro shrugged.

"I know! Doctors! We could give you nicknames like in Grey's Anatomy. Yamamoto, you're McSporty. Gokudera-kun, you be McSmokingHot. Hibari-san, you can be McHaughty," Tsuna said, counting off his fingers.

"I don't think that's a good idea, Tsuna," Yamamoto said, a smile twitching at the corner of his lips. "Just imagine, Lambo might call himself Big Mac. Not that I don't like being called McSporty, of course".

"Spice names, then. I'll be Blondie Spice, nii-san can be Extreme Spice, Mukuro would be Sassy Spice..." Tsuna said, suddenly on a roll now that inspiration had striked.

"You just called yourself Blondie Spice," Mukuro said, clutching his stomach with laughter. "This is priceless. Did you hear this, Chrome?"

As Chrome was currently in South Korea with Haru, Kyoko and I-Pin, and was probably joining the girls at gorging themselves on kimchi, bugolgi and bibimbap, none of the others in the room heard her reply. Mukuro however, gave Tsuna an amused grin and presumably continued talking to Chrome through the link they both shared.

"Why did we become a family in the first place?" Tsuna mumbled, leaning back against his chair.

"Money," Mukuro said simply, giving Tsuna a smile that decreased the temperature in the room by about ten degrees. "I've got mouths to feed. And power, yes".

"Strong fighters," Hibari said without explanation.

"It's extreme," Ryohei grinned.

"Are you done thinking about the theme yet?" Reborn said suddenly. "It's nearly time for lunch. Some boss you are".

"Well, it's kinda hard to decide," Tsuna said, trying not to let his annoyance seep into his voice. All the years spent with Reborn as his tutor had taught him patience and to not be surprised by the schemes the evil hitman could cook up even though he looked like an innocent baby.

"Mafia,"Lambo whispered suddenly, before clearing his throat and speaking louder. "Mafia. That's what we are, after all".

Total silence met that declaration.

Tsuna looked at Reborn and was pleasantly surprised to see Reborn smiling slightly.

"Good job, boys. I believe the fans are going to love it," Reborn said.

Tsuna breathed a sigh of relief and high fived Yamamoto, glad that the easy part was over.

.

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.

The atmosphere in the Tokyo Dome was... crazy, to say the least. Girls, so many girls, filled up the stadium, their screams only adding more to the din. There were guys too, of course, but it looked like they were vastly outnumbered. Bright lights flashed, posters proclaiming their love were held up high and various items, some of indistinguishable nature, were thrown onto the stage whenever any of the boy bands were up there singing and dancing to the beat or the music.

"All the tickets have been sold out, Boss," Romario said, from his seat to Dino's left. Dino merely nodded when a quick peek at Reborn, who was sitting on his right, revealed that his mentor was smirking beneath the shadow thrown by the brim of his hat. He had arrived two hours ago, by Reborn's invitation, telling him that there was going to be a very entertaining concert that night and that Reborn had managed to procure extra tickets, so would Dino please accompany his old tutor to watch said concert?

Dino was very sure that Reborn was up to something as there had to be some reason Reborn had dragged him all the way to Japan to watch some cheesy competition, and not a concert as Reborn had called it earlier. For the past hour, Dino had watched boy band after boy band sing and dance their way into the hearts of the voters. Some of them were undoubtedly good, but really, he had better ways to spend the weekend. And a weekend in Japan, no less. Maybe he'd go over to Namimori later to see if Kyoya was in. But for now, he looked around cautiously. Was Reborn planning a hit?

"You will find the final group very interesting, Dino. It will be quite good as blackmail material too. I think they could become the biggest thing to hit the music stores soon though. Why, do you hear that? It's the sound of money pouring in," Reborn chuckled. "Super Junior, DBSK, Uverworld, Alice Nine, they have nothing on them".

"Super Junior is a Korean band," Dino pointed out and frowned. "Is this a way for you to tell me to invest in the music industry?"

"Who cares? Pretty boys, soulful sickly sweet ballads to touch the female hearts, slick dance moves, head bobbing beats, that's what this is all about".

"I thought you said it was all about the money".

"Yes, that too. Now shut up and listen".

Finally catching sight of the seven guys dressed in crisp Italian linen suits who had just appeared on stage, Dino's eyes widened as he laughed and pulled out his camera. Reborn had been right, coming to Japan had definitely been worth the trouble.

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By this time, the fans had started moving out of the stadium, their emotions varying between being in tears and being deliriously happy. The three of them moved out of the specially designated VIP room and stopped at a corner near an exit where they wouldn't get trampled but could still hear what the fans were saying.

"Mukuro signed his name on my chest," a girl squealed while her friends sighed with what seemed like envy. "It was orgasmic, I tell you".

"Takeshi smiled at me, I swear he smiled at me after I gave him that limited edition baseball bat," another said.

The woman was interrupted by another woman who was walking behind her. "That's nothing. Tsuna caught my bra. I sprayed it with my favorite perfume and clipped my phone number to it. It was so cute when he dropped it and blushed so hard".

Dino leaned forward, interested in the demographics of the fans and wanting to hear more (maybe he should invest in a music company after all), but Reborn had a hand on his shoulder and was now waving him forward to the private entrance and into a waiting car.

"That's enough for now. All that oestrogen and squealing was killing me," Reborn said, leaning back against the seat as he loosened his tie, his other hand opening the mini fridge and pulling out three beers, two of which he threw to Dino and Romario.

Dino picked up a poster which had been left on the seat and stared at the glossy picture with the name Vongola in a shiny cursive script, the boys posing in casual wear with a backdrop of Tokyo's skyscrapers behind them. He vaguely noted that the poetic side of him couldn't decide whether Kyoya looked like he was more likely to beat someone to death or start writing angsty poems.

"It's a pity they didn't win," Dino said, now holding the poster at arm's length and squinting at it for reasons indiscernible to either Reborn or Romario. "They were pretty decent for a group who normally shouldn't be near each other in an enclosed space for too long. The Shimon won only because of Enma, cause he wibbles. Are you sure you don't want to offer them a ride back to the hotel? Some of the fangirls are rather scary".

"I believe you mean, in fandom terms, that he's so uke," Reborn said darkly as Dino choked on his beer, nearly splattering the light colored liquid on the poster he was holding. "As for the boys, they can walk home for all I care. They lost the competition, you know".

"But the Vongola finances aren't exactly in a bad state, are they?" Dino asked. "And why do you have knowledge concerning these fandoms?"

"They will get their due punishment," Reborn said patiently. "You have to be familiar with the terms in fandom. It helps you understand the fans and then come up with new marketing ploys".

"Wait. Does that mean you read fan fiction?"


End file.
